Different cultures can be categorized in different ways (and categories don’t always work). One of them, even with its over-generalization and limitations, is to categorize them into shame-based cultures and guilt-based cultures. Now, it’s probably impossible to define a particular culture as either shame-based or guilt-based because it more than likely includes a mixture of both elements. But for our purposes, we can perhaps roughly say that many western cultures are guilt-based while most eastern cultures are shame-based. My original home culture in Korea, for example, can be categorized as a shame-based culture. Simply put, in a guilt-based culture, every issue is pretty much decided along the lines of “right or wrong” or “guilty or innocent” whereas in a shame-based culture every issue has to do with “being honorable or shameful.” My second culture in America could be defined more as guilt-based while my currently adapted culture in Morocco is shame-based.
A few years ago, I had some American friends who rented an apartment from a Moroccan family I knew.Their apartment was just two floors above the landlord’s. After living there for a few weeks, these friends complained to me that the landlord family was very unfriendly (and some of them even hostile) toward them. These Americans didn’t understand why. They couldn’t figure out why the relationship that started on a good note with pleasant introductions and generous offering of tea and sweets by this family all of a sudden turned sour. They told me that they tried to be as nice and polite toward this family. They said they never did anything “wrong” to offend this family. But why did this family who were so hospitable and generous in the beginning become so seemingly upset?
I found out later (although the landlord family never directly mentioned it to me) that this whole thing had an honor and shame cause. These friends of mine, all single women in their 20′s, made a crucial mistake of being seen with some Moroccan guy friends on the street outside and, more damagingly, inviting them into their apartment. As I understand, these were just friends whom they were just hanging out with and later invited for a meal. There wasn’t anything immoral (even by conservative Moroccan standards) that they did. These were just friends, and it was just a meal! But to the landlord family (who was always aware of who’s coming and going in and out of the building), this was a total shock, and they took it as an insult toward them.
Now, for a westerner, this is not an obvious situation and it would require some explanation. What’s going on in this scenario? Why was the landlord family so upset? After all, what’s wrong with inviting some friends home for a meal? Here’s the thing that these ladies did not understand. When this family rented this apartment upstairs from them to these girls, they were also in a sense taking a responsibility for these young ladies for it’s a shameful thing in this culture for young women to live outside the protection of their parents or family members. So, by having them live upstairs from them, they were in a sense willing to provide protection for them like a family and also put their reputation on the line. This was a proud Berber family who could trace their lineage back to the Prophet Mohammed. They owned the whole building as well as other properties in town. Money was not an issue to them, but honor was. When these single girls were naively hanging out with Moroccan guys and invited them into their apartment, they violated the social code of conduct for this family (for single women are not supposed to let men into their home) and brought shame to them. (Male-female relationship in this culture quite obviously takes on a different meaning, but that topic is for another post at a later time.)
Of course, this would be hard to understand if you are coming from a western culture. You would ask, “But what’s wrong with inviting guys over for dinner?” That’s exactly the point here. There is nothing “wrong” here. It’s not a matter of being right or wrong. It’s just a matter of honor or shame. It’s always good to be on the side of honor, but in this case, it was the opposite.
Facebook
Twitter
LinkedIn